She’s ahead of a few grownups I know…
December 30, 2007
My daughter is in no short supply when it comes to the ability to overact. She comes by her Drama Queen nature honestly - as I know I still have my moments.
She has, for the past year, been known to look at us in tears whenever something has brought her to that point and say gaspingly “You broke… my heart… and you… threw it in… the trash!!” followed by a true wail of despair.
It’s hard not to hug someone and cuddle her when it’s so clearly obvious that her heart is actually breaking due to even minor disapproval.
Last night tho, someone took my sweet little angel and replaced her with a Demon-child. Demon-child didn’t want to behave. Demon-child wanted to ram into Mommy & Daddy as if training for a future WWF career. Demon-child was pushy, whiny, demanding, and surly. Demon-child was spoiling for a fight.
Unfortunately for Demon-child it was bed-time.
So there I was, trying to read a book to my Buttercup, not yet realizing that Demon-child was going to sabotage this any way possible - including screeching in my ear, trying to push me off the bed, and putting her hand in front of the words of the book. This is notably odd because there is nothing Buttercup loves more than reading. Given a chance, she’d have us read 10 books a night or more rather than the 3 or 4 stories she gets.
I finally sigh and say “honey, if you keep this up - no more reading. You will go straight to bed, lights out, no cuddles, no singing just darkness and sleep.”
Of course she kept it up.
One minute later finds me sitting in the rocking chair, lights out, white noise machine on, child shrieking as if she has been stabbed.
The litany “I. Want. To. Read. I. Want. To. Read. I. Want. To. Reeeeeead!” amidst sobbing.
A few minutes of this pass and I say “honey, I’m not going to stay and listen to this - I love you, good night” and kiss her and leave the room.
I’ll spare you the intervening escalations - but finally shrieking Demon-child informs me that she is in dire need of the potty, lest I find myself changing her sheets.
*sigh*
A few minutes later, I relent and take sobbing child into the rocking chair with me for cuddles and singing. She has worked herself into a complete and utter frenzy and it’s clear she truly can’t get out of it at this point. So we rock, and we sing, and we cuddle. And every 2 seconds she attempts to reverse the decision and get me to turn on the lights and read more.
Finally, somewhat calmer (and by somewhat I mean, only sobbing between sentences, not syllables) she says to me
“Mommy… why are you doing this to me?”
“Buttercup,” I say, “I’m not doing anything to you. You had choices. You were told you could be good and we’d read more, or you could be bad and we’d go straight to bed - and you chose to spit at Mommy and scream ‘no’ and ‘I hate you’ instead. It was your choice. You were in total control there.”
“But Mommy, I want to change my mind. I want to start over. I promise I’ll be good this time.”
“Sweetie, I’m so sorry. I wish we could. But you promised once already and broke that promise. I know it’s hard - but I can’t change this. Next time, I know you’ll make a better choice. Tomorrow we’ll read a lot, but tonight we must live with your choices and go to sleep.”
“But why do we have to live with our choices?”
“Oh honey - that’s one of the hardest lessons. That’s how life is. Sometimes, we know what will happen, and sometimes we don’t - but we always have to live with the results of our own choices. It’s just how things are.”
Full-blown sobbing resumes… and at the first gasp for breath comes out of my daughter’s mouth:
“Moooommmeeeeee!!! No!!!! I… broke… my… own… heart!!”
Seriously. My not-yet-5-year-old already has a sense of personal culpability? There is hope for the future.
Meanwhile, she eventually fell asleep calmed and comforted - and yes, we will read many books tonight. Demon-child seems to have returned to the nether realms.
Down and Dirty
December 28, 2007
A fast mommy-oriented post.
This conversation occurred between Buttercup and me today. I had to share.
Buttercup: Dogs get to poop outside.
GeekMommy: Yes, they do.
B: And dogs get to pee outside.
GM: Yep - outside in the cold and the snow
B: I want to be a dog. I want to poop outside.
GM: *laughing* You so don’t want to be a dog.
B: I do! I do want to be a dog!
GM: If you were a dog, you’d have to eat dog food, and sleep in a kennel like our dog - no nice princess bed for you! And you’d get shooed off the bed all the time. And yeah, you could poop outside, but trust me, it’s cold out there (notes the foot+ of snow in the back yard and the single digit temperature.)
B: Okay, then I want to be a cat.
GM: Being a cat would be so much worse than being a dog.
B: How? I want to be a kitty! How is being a kitty worse than a dog??
GM: How many times have you seen the cat drink out of the toilet around here?
B: Ew. Eww. I want to be a little girl Mommy. I’ll just be me, okay?
Twitter-pated — this one is strictly geek to me
December 22, 2007
One of the advantages of the choices I’ve made this year - to stay at home with my daughter rather than to continue working full-time doing source code analysis and review - is that I have a lot of ‘in between’ moments where I can spend time on the internet getting caught up on what is ‘new’ and ‘different.’
A few months back, a dear friend of mine pointed me over to Twitter.com - telling me that while she didn’t mind reading my blogs elsewhere, it just seemed like so much work to post a blog regularly, whereas twittering consisted of 140-characters-or-less messages which seemed much more reasonable to her.
Given that I have multiple web-presences, and have pretty much for the past 8 years running kept tabs on the new social media developments, I signed right up.
My friend seems to have abandoned Twitter to return to the land of intermittent blogging - but she checks in on me there still. But one of the things I found out quickly and suspect she did - as does anyone who ‘tweets’ - is that it’s darned hard to communicate effectively in 140 characters or less. It’s actually an art form.
Over the past several months, Twitter has taught me how to ‘hone’ my conversations down to pertinent points, despite my unwillingness to abandon things like articles and punctuation. It’s also been a strangely interesting conduit to a whole new arena of thought for me.
I have dozens of friends and family in the Bay Area - most whom work in some capacity or other in the technical industry. So I’m strangely often part of Beta launches that tend not to get extended to your average Joan from the middle of the country… When I joined Orkut, it had less than 3k people… now they’ve got millions and finally gave up listing the numbers. Of course, 55% of Orkut is now Brazilian, as opposed to the 14% American - so it seems to have moved to a whole different demographic. I’ve been fortunate enough over the past several years to have Beta invites to pretty much everything ‘new’ and different… But it’s always been from the perspective of ‘oh hey, yeah, FriendX sent me an invite code to NewBetaLaunchY site, I guess I’ll check it out‘ not so much from the perspective of ‘oh, wow, I’ve got to get in on that - because it’s where the future is going!‘
Joining Twitter has changed things for me. At least, perspective-wise. I’m still a stay-at-home Mom 1,300 miles from Silicon Valley - who tends to get caught up on various sites vary late every night because my daytime routines don’t allow a lot of “e-Interactive opportunities” where I can spend more than a few minutes without getting called away by the child. I’m not suddenly a better (or more consistent) blogger. I’m not going to become some new me. I’ve just sort of been exposed to something that was unexpected and it’s changed my awareness.
Over the past few months, I’ve started following and interacting with people who really *are* in the Social Media industry. People who know what the foundations are, what’s going on now, and what is on the horizon. Blame Jeremiah Owyang - who I started following because he said interesting things… and then he kept saying more interesting things and linking to his blog (see link above) - and it turned out he really knew what he was talking about. After awhile, I started following the people that Jeremiah seemed to think ‘knew’ things too and it turned out they did. A few weeks of drifting about Twitter, adding the knowledgeable to my feeds, and suddenly I find myself surrounded by those most likely to know what is going on in the Web 2.0 sphere.
I realized recently that I had gone from using Twitter.com as a sort of an amusing diversion to feeling totally lost if I don’t check it several times daily. Because the really amazing thing that happens at a certain point is that you suddenly start hearing conversations.
When you first start Twittering, it’s pretty hard not to fall into the trap of what someone called “Cereal Tweeting” (I wish I could recall whom it was, unfortunately, just the term stuck in my brain.) That is to say, with only 140 characters, you take the “What Are You Doing?” prompt at the top of the page a little too literally…
I’m eating a bowl of cereal.
I’m going to take a shower now.
I’m watching television while twittering.
I’m going to bed now.
About as much fun to read as it is to write. Twitter has a huge percentage of “Cereal Tweeters.” Fortunately, a lot of them get just as bored of typing it as you would reading it, so they give up on it relatively quickly… and besides, you don’t have to read them if you don’t want to.
But then there’s those conversations I mentioned above. The folks who have been on the forefront of popular blogging are also knee-deep in the trenches when it comes to this sort of thing. They’ve been in since Day 1 - and rapidly figured out how to avoid the pitfalls and how to turn it into more of a hybrid between a listserve, a chat-room, and text messaging. And if you follow one of them you will notice a number of @userX twitters* that look interesting. Add userX to your feed, and suddenly you are the proverbial fly on the wall.
The thing is, since my daughter came into my life, I haven’t really had the time or inclination to Blog-hop. Yes, I know that Scobleizer and TechCrunch and WilWheaton and [insert your favorite big-time blog here] are as addictive to some people as the morning weather report. I just really couldn’t figure out how to get it all in and still have a life in the non-virtual world. No one pays stay-at-home moms to know what’s big on the DailyKos. So when push came to shove, the blogosphere rather lost appeal to me. I pretty much devoted my online time daily to LiveJournal.com because it allowed me to aggregate my friend’s blog postings into one feed, as well as RSS feeds I really wanted to read. Other sites become once or twice a week drop-ins.
The best way I can explain this is that reading a blog to me is the internet equivalent of going to the speaking engagement of someone that interests you. You really have no input in the direction the conversation (monologue?) takes - and at best are a part of the audience that participates in the ‘after-chat’ portion - better known as blog comments.
But Twitter** is something different. It’s like being at a cocktail party - and in the same room as you, there are thousands of other people milling about. Some of them are ‘notable’ folks and some of them are standing in the corner talking to themselves. You can walk up and talk to them too… and just like at a cocktail party, you might get ignored politely, or you might end up having an extended chat with them. Or you can just stand near them and listen sometimes and learn much.
For me, what I like best about Twitter is that it’s already got that sense of community forming. People meet people because they see those @userX posts and click thru - and realize that it’s someone they want to interact with (Say, who’s that over by the bar talking to Bob? I think I might just wander over and introduce myself.) Suddenly, you find yourself caring what happens to these people.
Part of what spurred this post today is that yesterday, Friday 12/21/07 wasn’t just Winter Solstice, it was also Frozen Pea Friday #1. A few weeks ago, a Twitterer by the name of Susan Reynolds (also a popular blogger, second-lifer, and tech gal) was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Rather than face it silently, she mentioned it on Twitter… and within a very short period of time, a movement was born. Click thru on the link above for real details - there’s more information there, and better written than I could do it.
Needless to say, being a very small part of that - peripheral at best - I still felt like I was part of the community. And that started me thinking about the place in general and the dynamics I perceive there. If you had told me 6 months ago that I’d be hooked on this format and this community? I would’ve laughed at you. After all, I’m the gal who still resists IM programs because I just plain don’t want to be reachable all the time.
I’m still learning… and still evaluating. But I suspect I’ll have more to say on it down the road a bit. For now, I’m just listening to the experts (eavesdropping? lurking about? crowding them?) and hoping to continue mingling about.
Now has anyone seen my glass of champagne? I thought I saw Julia Roy over by the ficus in the corner. Just going to mosey on over there. She’s the one who got me hooked on Seesmic… I should talk about that soon too.
*@userX is the way that Twitter determines that you are talking to a specific user, and links their Twitter profile to the name
**or pownce or jaiku if you’d prefer - both of which I also have profiles at, I just prefer Twitter, I don’t really use the others much
I’ll never be a true Webizen…
December 19, 2007
I have 3 blog posts sitting in my head right now.
I haven’t blogged them. Because I spend my precious internet time catching up on the various sites like Twitter and LiveJournal and various boards & forums instead of producing my own real content.
It’s a handicap. Because by the time I have time to say anything, I’m exhausted… and when I do have things to say, I have no time… and sometimes, they just disappear somewhere amidst the neurons in my brain never to be thought again. If I were you, I wouldn’t read me… so why should you?
Well, I guess I’d better get to work on that, eh…
As Scarlet says, tomorrow is another day. Right after I get back from the dentist, I’ll definitely get to work on that. Really. I will. Or not. You know how it goes.
Note to self: add 4th blog post about procrastination and broken promises.
Ugh… I knew it was coming
December 14, 2007
The number one thing I’ve been dreading about parenthood was that moment when my daughter finally realized that I don’t have a relationship with my own Mom.
A couple of months ago, she asked where GeekDaddy’s Father was and where my Mom was. When I explained that GeekDaddy’s Father was in heaven (she’s heard about that from Catholic preschool already) and he died before Mommy even met Daddy, she seemed okay with it. But it was harder to explain that Mommy’s Mommy was not a part of our lives because she’s sick in a way that keeps her from being a part of our lives.
I don’t know how else you explain alcoholism and psychological issues to a 4 year old. I did the best I could without getting bogged down into complicated details. I just told her that she was sick - and that unfortunately, that meant she couldn’t be around us.
Then I spent about 20 minutes reassuring her that I loved her more than anything and wasn’t going anywhere - and that Daddy wasn’t going to be dying any time in the foreseeable future. Which she took as pure truth based on the fact that she’s still young enough to believe me when I speak with certainty on stuff like that.
Of course, I should’ve probably foreseen that last week’s trip to the E.R. with GeekDaddy was going to trigger fears. He was taken by ambulance to the E.R. for a possible heart attack - which turned out not to be the case, thank heavens. But immediately following his release, she went from amazingly well-behaved and stable little girl to hysterical and sobbing. She kept being convinced that Daddy might die. We told her no, he was fine, see? He’s right there… and she finally accepted it.
Then today out of the blue “Mommy? I never have seen your Mommy… why have I never seen your Mommy?”
Argh.
“Buttercup? Remember that Mommy’s Mommy can’t be around us because she’s sick.”
“Can’t we take her to a doctor to fix her?”
“No honey - the doctor can’t fix her. But I love you and I will never leave you.”
“Oh, okay… I love you to Mommy and I’ll never leave you… can I have some french fries?”
“Sure sweetie.”
I wanted to ask the girl at the McDonald’s drive-thru if they had any whiskey to go in their coke, but I think she would’nt have understood. Sometimes, I wish I’d just lied and said my Mom was up in heaven with GeekDaddy’s Dad.
But how do I get her to understand that I could never be like my Mom when it comes to this? I could no sooner walk away from her than I could walk away from my own heart.
Screaming Into the Void
December 11, 2007
Okay, yeah. I’ve procrastinated about this blog like a teenager putting off a 10 page paper on The Old Man & The Sea.
I can’t believe it’s been several weeks since I posted - more like a month since there was anything of substance. At least once a day something happens that I think “okay, I could write about that.” Buttercup is a virtual font of inspiration. But when it comes down to sitting down at night with the opportunity to post, I seldom remember what it was.
So then I tell myself - oh well… no one is reading anyways, so it’s not like anyone will notice if you put it off for another day… and move on to other corners of the internet.
I’m pretty good at procrastinating. Something my daughter is likely to inherit from me. Not that it’s genetic or anything - but I’m not the best example for her with that regard. I think she’s already convinced that the time to do anything is 5 minutes before you absolutely have to. This morning, 30 minutes before we had to leave for preschool she looked at me and said “are we running late yet Mommy?”
Eek.
The thing is - I’m supposed to be the ‘responsible adult’ in this equation. Which means I better figure it out quickly. I need to start panicking a little earlier… and I need to start posting here more frequently… and I need to finish getting the ornaments on the Christmas tree.
Right. Who needs New Years resolutions when I can do Wednesday the 12th of December resolutions?
See you on the flipside, I’ll work on remembering the good stuff.
