Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Blog Gone
January 25, 2010
As I slog through the 2000+ unread emails in my inbox at 4 a.m. it occurs to me that the emotional well I’ve been falling into for the past two months is much, much deeper than I’ve been admitting to myself.
I’m about 1/3 the way through December and pausing to write this because I need to do it right now or it will simply be another blog post that I’ve thought about and haven’t written.
I haven’t really looked at my inbox since December 1st, 2009.
No, really. From December 1st through today, January 25th, I have let everything in my online life pretty much do the metaphoric equivalent of “Go To Voicemail.” I didn’t even know I was capable of doing that.
What happened?
Oh, I suppose I could say it was a combination of seasonal depression, a series of disappointing revelations about other people and relationships, the feeling that somehow I failed miserably at my last job, and a dozen other issues piled one on top of the other until it just snowballed into me ‘checking out.’
But the end result was pretty much that I hit a level of apathy and depression that let me just walk away.
The thing is – it’s this horrible spiral. You don’t let people know that it’s not just their emails you aren’t answering because you’re not seeing those emails at all. And they start to think there’s something wrong that is specific to them. Then there are repercussions.
Too many things fall through the cracks. You realize even from a huge emotional distance that there are probably things sitting in your inbox that are long past the point of “easy fixes” so you just avoid the inbox with more determination than ever and more things & people fall through the cracks.
I’ve never really experienced this sort of thing before.
I’ve been wired for so many years that it’s second nature to me to open up the computer and close out the rest of the world when I’m withdrawing into myself… In the past, it was phone calls, social events, and in person contact that fell by the wayside. I’ve never just ignored my email for weeks.
Then there’s the blog thing.
Oh, the blog thing.
It’s another “I just can’t face it today, I’ll try again tomorrow” area. Why? In my head, blogging but ignoring email is sort of the same as not showing up for work, not calling, not explaining why – but sitting in the coffee shop in the lobby of the building where you work pretending that there’s nothing out of the ordinary.
How could I write here when there are people who have sent me dozens of emails without so much as a “Lucretia is out of the universe right now, please leave a message at the sound of the beep and she’ll get back to you when she stops spiraling out of control” response?
So no email, no blogging. What else fell into the apathy well?
Twitter. Meaningful interactions online. Work. Projects I’d committed myself to but haven’t even touched. Pretty much everything that had to do with the computer except, oddly, mindless Facebook games. Oddly, if it was something that consisted of repetition without strategy or conversation, I’ve been fanatical about it. Given that I’m usually attracted to the opposite, I’m still trying to figure that one out.
What didn’t fall into the well?
My family. My daughter and my husband – and a number of my extended family. A few good friends. Getting up out of bed, eating, getting through the bits of the day that are really necessary if you’re not going to live in a dark closet.
What a switch that is, I tell you. As far back as I can recall, when I’ve had to drop some of the balls we all juggle in life, work, family and everything else, I’d retreat into either books or my online world. Then again, those were usually much shorter periods of time. A few days, a couple of weeks. Never before has it been quite this extended.
But today I’m unleashing my secret weapon against my own apathy & depression: anxiety.
No really. It turns out that if you let anxiety out of the box you’ve been stuffing it into for so many years you find that a good, solid panic attack can do wonders toward getting you back in the game.
I say this because I’m at 1443 unread and working my way down. I’m deleting outright the things that I know don’t need my time… I’m letting myself know that I have to face the music in a lot of cases and that some of the things that fell through the cracks will be unrecoverable. I’m using fear of what happens if I don’t do it nownownow outweigh the wall of apathy that has let me pretend that I’d “start doing things right tomorrow” only to ignore it again.
I’m not sure what that means for this blog, honestly. I really have a lot of stuff I want to write about – just as soon as I take care of the things that I absolutely must address first. But here? I’m not sure. I’ve clearly got some stuff to work out in my life before this ball can definitely be picked up and put back in the ones that I’m keeping in the air right now.
But at the moment, I have to get back to that inbox. Those 1443 unread emails are not going to magically disappear if I don’t. And I want my online life back. So first things first.
If you’re reading this and you’ve emailed me since December 1st? I apologize – expect to hear from me shortly, part of which will include a personal apology. And thanks for bearing with me long enough to read this despite my resounding silence in the other arena.
If you’re reading this and you want to email me? Can you hold off a bit? I promise not to make you listen to nasty, homogenized, crackly hold music if you can’t – but I’m not promising I won’t hum ‘Girl From Ipanema‘ if you insist on hanging on the line.
Comments
19 Responses to “Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Blog Gone”
Got something to say?
It takes a lot of guts to admit something like this publicly.
I can’t wait till you are fully “back in your swing”-and you will be!
Best wishes! You are on a better path now, and my prayers are that you continue. We all hit bumps in the road from time to time. When we come out of the fog we normally find new doors are opening, good ones!
Digital archeology. through our own past. I have this with the phone most of all, emails a bit. And when you start going through it you see, wow, I must have been out of it that week, or that month, or whatever. But hell ya, look at what didn’t fall through the cracks. Engaged life means we are going to see this in each other, and you are absolutely right, we are going to have to resist personalizing what the lack of a response means, because we truly don’t know, and offer as much space and compassion as an immediately connected life can offer. Take it easy…
As I’ve said probably 100 times over the last few months: #hugz. Here for ya Lu
I have not emailed you, figured you were either on a cruise, or enjoying family time. I did however send you a card and baby geek a gift, and I never expect to hear from you, because I know how mail phobic you are ( and have been for 25+ years) but I am sad to read you are struggling, is there anything I can do to help?
Love ya lady!
Finally! You’ve been missed my dear. Writing that post was a huge step in the right direction and baby steps forward from now on. Big ((hugs)). I knew something was wrong, but sometimes people just need to step out of the norm for a bit to regain normalcy. My nudging on Twitter about missing your posts was true, but I must admit, that I was fishing at the same time:)
I missed you
This story reminds me of a story I heard once. An assistant brought home a file box of work that absolutely had to be addressed. She had the box laying around the house while her husband started cleaning stuff out. He assumed the box was junk mail and papers that she was purging, so he dumped the box out with the rest of the garbage. She freaked out, but then went back to work and pretended like nothing had happened. Anything truly important could be traced back to some file or someone’s desk. Any letters that had not been addressed were followed up with a phone call. Most of the stuff in the box, however, was just not as critical as she or her boss had thought.
I think about this story when things start to overwhelm me. How much of the stuff that I’m dealing with can be ignored right now, especially for the greater good. The greater good would be my sanity. What in my life is critical? What, if tossed out, wouldn’t be missed?
But I have to say… I am glad to see you buzzing around the interwebs today. Selfish me.
Thanks you guys – it has been an interesting day so far. The inbox is down to “managable” at around 175 that need addressing. Opening up about this has been cathartic and also keeping me on track.
The support and caring from you all has been very helpful as well. I will get back – but moreso? I will come back with lessons learned!
One of them is how much you all rock!!
I’ve been hanging at the edge of this well for some time now, so if I start to fall in can I grab onto you now that you’re out? I promise not to e-mail you, just hold on for dear life.
I have been there. In fact, I’m still kind of trying to drag myself out of it. Good luck with those emails…..and please, take all the time you need. You need to take care of YOU first. Good luck!
Oh, how happy I am to get this email today. A GeekMommy Blog post
I have been in a slump myself, it can be rough, I know this.
I want you to know that my hand is here for you to grab, my shoulder for you to lean on, my tissue box is your tissue box
whenever u need me I am here, thats what friends are for
and for the record, I love playing those senseless facebook games with you
sometimes we all need a little bit of fun and stuff that requires no thought and just is good fun with friends 
by the way, you have a wonderful chicken army
ps. I was just thinking about you today and smiled, wanna know why?
I was looking at my laptop stickers, and I saw those green lips and it reminded me I was kissed by you, and well,,,, geek kisses rock
cannot wait to see u soon
[...] a friend I met in 2008 on Twitter and then met in real life at BlogHer ‘09 and then on a more intimate [...]
This post really made me think… I wrote this (http://www.thedigitalmommy.com/?p=163) in response:)
All I have to say is love love luv ya!
Hi Lucretia!
I’m really sorry to hear about your troubles … The group at Whrrl is rooting for you. I think we’re in a few of those unanswered emails, but don’t worry about us. Reach out when you can,
-Jeanna
Thank you so much for liking my photo, “Fallen” enough to use it in your entry. It definately fit the mood of your entry, and it’s flattering you thought so too. I hope those who read the entry will go view the photo at Flickr, and see what I wrote about what the photo is to me in the photo description.
Wow Lucretia, you have no idea how strange it is for me to read this.
I went through essentially the same thing. It started in September, I just felt completely overwhelmed by the whole “online business” and retreated.
But my escape wasn’t Facebook games, it was political blogs and news sites. I became so engrossed in politics that my family got to where they were afraid to mention anything of a political nature for fear I would “start”. lol
Then in December 3 of my family members faced life-threatening illness, and I retreated even more becoming so engrossed in political news and discussions that it was literally making me ill.
After taking a week just to think about which direction I wanted to take my online business I’ve reemerged, more determined than ever to succeed.
@SharonMcP
This is my very 1st visit here and this was the very 1st post to catch my eye. I like you already, you are human.
@geekbabe