Living Life Out Loud
January 30, 2010
I was almost asleep…
Zap.
And the brain started churning with the thoughts I had most carefully avoided by reading National Geographic and refusing to allow my conscious brain to wander over into ‘real life’ territory.
By ‘real life’ (and I so want to put that in air quotes) I mean the day-to-day events and people who make my brain swirl as I try to put 2 and 2 together and come up with something resembling “4″ rather than just “ick.”
Things like this tend to float around in my subconscious a long time before they suddenly coalesce into a concrete idea. Then suddenly (like now) I find myself getting out of bed to try and put them into words. Have to get it down before I forget and the morning finds the realizations paler and somewhat muddied.
2009 was a challenging year for me on one particular front — I found myself wondering why basically good people could see bad things being done and not speak out.
I’m not speaking of global atrocities or some great conspiracy. I’m just talking about what happens on the every day, personal, small-scale interactions.
You know what I mean
One guy is dishonest in his dealings with everyone. Good people who have reason to know talk amongst themselves as to how awful his behavior is. But they only talk amongst themselves. Only as members of some bizarre club of people who have been taken in by him or who have narrowly avoided it. They don’t speak out against him publicly. A woman is known to show two faces to everyone with whom she deals. The same people speak amongst themselves as to how she is whomever she thinks her audience wants her to be as long as she thinks it will get her ahead. But when her name comes up in ‘non-insider’ conversation those who talk amongst themselves say nothing to those who would most appreciate the warning. A company is clearly scamming its clients – talking a good game but in the end its nothing but talk. Still the clients are paying money thinking that it must be a good company or surely someone would say something. Again, the basically good people who know? Nary a peep.
It just didn’t jibe with my world view.
Why didn’t those people who I knew to be honest, caring, moral people speak up? Especially when they knew that to stay silent was to imply that the liars, swindlers, and dishonest folks were okay, as they were busy churning through the unwary?
Then I looked around more carefully
I realized that there are some folks I know who do speak up. They live out loud. They put their feet forward and say with passion and certainty what they believe. Whether it’s about a person, a company, or an event that has ignited their passion, they speak up.
I have to say that I don’t always agree with my friend Erin Kotecki Vest (aka @QueenofSpain). But damn how I wish I had her courage. I’ve never seen Erin back down from a fight. You want to know if she thinks someone is good people or bad? Ask her. She’ll tell you outright. Then again, you don’t always have to ask. She’s out there putting it black & white for people to read. She doesn’t hide behind a persona. She is who she is. Trust me – the first time I met her in person it was like just finally sharing oxygen with someone I’d known for a long time.
And Micah Baldwin (@micah)… another one of those people who is about as fearless and open as anyone you could imagine. Moreso, actually. Micah puts things out there that consistently blow me away. His fearlessness when it comes to stating what he experiences and believes publicly and standing behind his words is a little terrifying, to be honest. The first time I met him I rather expected him to growl instead of grinning like he did.
So why then are there folks like these two (and believe me, I could start listing more, but they’re extremely good examples!) but also so many who seem so afraid to speak out?
I didn’t get it
Again – my subconscious went quietly (and sometimes noisily) about working on the puzzle. It started breaking things down a little further. There were folks like Erin and Micah who don’t pull the punches. There were folks who were “in the know” about the men, women, and companies that were dishonest but didn’t say anything while personally avoiding working with them. And then there were folks who knew, but still went along as if they didn’t. Working with, being pleasant to, and even tacitly endorsing those ‘bad eggs.’
Suddenly as I lay in my bed thinking that I needed something more distracting than iPhone games to keep my brain from working on this it clicked.
Mostly because I finally examined my own silence.
You see, I figured out that I fall in the “publicly silent but unwilling to endorse the bad guys by pretending they aren’t” group.
Why? Fear mostly. Fear that is based on past experience.
In the past, when I’ve called someone out for dishonesty, disreputable behavior, and being unethical it’s just proven to be something that was used against me. “Oh, well, Lucretia… you know. She can be a problem.” The problem? That I didn’t go along with the charade. The people I thought might appreciate the warning didn’t. Either they convinced themselves that things would be different for them, or they convinced themselves that the problem really lay with me.
The inevitable “wow, I should’ve listened to you” conversation just hasn’t been worth the personal cost of being someone who spoke out. In fact, altogether too often, I had friends who told me I really ought to quit speaking out.
So if it happens that way with me, why not with those others? Of course it does. They don’t risk it either because they know that the potential negative impact to their own reputation isn’t worth trying to ’save’ those who don’t want to be saved… those who want you to be wrong because it benefits them if you are.
Which kind of brings up that last group. Those who know, but are still working with, endorsing, and engaging with the ‘bad eggs’ despite their knowledge.
What motivates them? In a word: money
Okay two words. Money *and* pride. That last group thinks they can dance with the Devil, skirt the danger, and come out unscathed with money in their pockets. They think that they’re smarter, savvier, wiser, and somehow will avoid the fate of everyone else who has been burned by the individuals and companies that are no good.
Yes. There’s money to be had if you deal with the crooks, liars, and cheats. But the thing so many of the last group don’t get is that unless you *are* a crook, liar, and cheat? They’ll always get the better of you. You can’t come out unscathed. You can’t take money from a thief and turn it into honest money. You can’t align yourself with a cheat and not end up cheating someone else.
There is no honor among thieves
So then, back to my friends Erin & Micah and others like them. What makes them so fearless? I don’t know. But I intend to find out. Because I’m tired of being the person who is afraid to point out the Emperor’s lack of clothing lest the rest of the court shun me.
I’d rather be genuine.
I’d rather be moral.
I’d rather live my life out loud.
(p.s. you know, there will be people who read my examples above and assume I’m talking about one particular man/woman/company — the funny part is that those people are ‘in the know’ about someone but think I’m just not saying it again. Truth is? Those are generic examples. If you read it and thought of someone or some company in particular? Ask yourself which group you belong in of the 3 above and which you want to belong in. Because it turns out that you are probably one of those ‘basically good people in the know.’)
Comments
9 Responses to “Living Life Out Loud”
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I saw your status on FB earlier and wondered what that was all about.
Interesting post…even though I truly have no idea who or what you are talking about, lol! I could definitely see where you are coming from. I do know Erin (Queen of Spain) a little from Twitter and FB so I definitely agree with you about her being courageous. I always enjoy seeing both of your postings here and there! You ladies make me think and I enjoy that.
I think I would put myself in the same category as you when it comes to things like this. From past experience and a humongous backlash of just CRAP being thrown on me because I chose to speak out about some things, I have just become one of those people that will just REFUSE to acknowledge the offending person’s/company’s existence. I don’t speak ill, I don’t speak well, I just don’t speak of them at all. Although, if I DO see someone I consider a good friend wandering into that territory, I WILL give them a heads up….but publicly, nope. The energy and effort I have to put forth DEFENDING myself for trying to look out for other people in such situations just isn’t worth it.
I really wish I could be a little braver when it comes to these things…but then, my son and daughter come out of their rooms screaming at each other and I switch into “OH, yeah. I am mom!” mode and the attention and urgency of the perceived dilemma is diverted to something more important, heh;)
Anyway, great blog! I hope you have a better than fantastic weekend!
I’m not that brave Lucretia. But thanks. I think I’m just passionate. and sometimes that passion takes over. If it’s something that hits me in my gut, I can’t keep quiet. And let’s face it….a lot of things hit me in my gut
I’ve never seen you be one to stay too quiet. It’s in there. Trust me.
I think Erin and Indont know another way. It’s not that we have chosen to live as we do, we just live as we are.
There is a famous parable about not saying anything as the Nazis took members of a town, until there was no one but the story teller. I can’t live in a world where that is true. So I open my mouth. A lot.
We live in a world that is not only interconnected, but also has people who attempt to take advantage of that interconnectedness. And that, often makes me sad.
Stephanie: I hope you and I figure out how to live so fearlessly without the repercussions.
Erin: You are much braver than you give yourself credit for. You just don’t know how much the rest of us are staying silent because you can’t imagine being so afraid.
Micah: I’ve always loved that parable – but sometimes it’s hard to know when to step up. I’m glad I have folks like you and Erin as examples.
I think for some people it comes back to money. Did someone come to mind when I read your post? You betcha. Do I ever have to act like everything is okay with that person or his company? Nope.
Because of money. He’s not the source of mine.
I think that in this business or blogosphere or community – whatever you want to call it – there are those who feel comfortable in the success that they have found or in their complete lack of desire to find what many define as success. Then there are the many, many, (many!) more who are waiting for their ship to come in and until it does are completely afraid to rock the boat.
There are also those of us who know enough people to have heard a good many things…but know very little of these things from first hand experience. Have I heard stories of horrific, criminal things happening to bloggers? Of course. But was I there? Nope.
So in this case, I personally choose to turn down work from people who are known to be underhanded, dastardly, or even criminal, but I am fortunate in that I have enough other sources of work. I hope that I know myself enough to know that I would dissociate myself from these scummy folks just because of personal standards, but I certainly don’t know until I’ve been in that situation.
Here’s my question: For those of us who hear these stories about others, what should we do? Do we blog about it? Do we approach the person in question? Do we spread the word quietly that these people should be avoided? Do we sit back knowingly and wait for the imminent demise? If it hasn’t happened to us first hand, is that fair? I wonder if many of us are sitting here as basically good people in the know because we just don’t know what to do next.
And p.s. – Thank God I’ve got your blog feed showing up in my inbox again. It was sorely missed.
It’s funny. I have been thinking a lot about this subject to. I think I fall into the “basically good people SOMETIMES in the know”.
But you know, for something that seems so huge, the blogging world really is a small community. And I worry about speaking out about things as well. Sometimes speaking out about something means exposing people you care about and don’t want to see hurt. That ‘collateral damage’ effect.
@Amy-I agree with your comments. I do think that spreading the word quietly though is just as damaging as blogging about it. Because we all basically know the same people and we all eventually hear the whispered warnings.
If it is something about me I would rather it be out in the open so that I can defend myself. However, I have a hard time calling out the situations I see myself so I can’t hold people to a standard I am not always willing to commit to myself.
Another great post, L. Nice to see you back
[...] and emotion all interweave themselves into communications. You can see this from 140 characters to long form. Passion manifested in creative expression exudes itself attracting interest and [...]
I could not help but comment. Your post was forwarded to me by a friend who KNEW that reading your post would help me with *cough* them…
I could not have said this better myself and I COMPLETELY know where you are coming from.
I tried to speak out and I was silenced so I walked away. But more people know the truth than I realize.
Awesome Post!
Hate that word awesome – but can’t think of a more appropriate one for your incredibly insiteful musing here. To add one more perspective; I’ve come to believe that charisma plays a role here. Some people are so unfailingly attractive to the people around them, that they can voice any number of criticisms, and receive only praise for their “brilliance.” (They, I would assert, are not “brave” for speaking out, because they are merely exercisiong the freedom to make an observation. Others (you, me – indeed most of us) have enough trouble “getting along” in the best of circumstances; not because we’re more disagreeable, nor more irritating, but simply because we weren’t born witth that strange chemical teflon coating. So, while we pick our targets and issues more carefully, we are always at risk when we speak. So, even if it’s infrequently, confronting wrong – for “te rest of us” – is nevertheless courageous. YOU are often courageous, and I admire you for it. Greatly. Thanks for some healthy food for thought.