Ouch
February 18, 2009
I hate being sick. But even worse? I hate being sick sick.
I’m dying from a common cold right now – or at least, it feels like dying – lungs have hacking painful cough, sinuses are either aching or clogged with excess mucus production, voice keeps disappearing and throat is raw.
That wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have the damn Fibro.
Sickness makes it flare. It’s gotten worse rather than better over the past several years. Sometimes, late at night when I realize just how many pills I have to take to even approximate normalcy any more it hits me… this isn’t going to go away, is it? They don’t know what it is, they only know how to dull down the symptoms. They can’t cure it… and it doesn’t get better over time, it either stays the same or gets worse. Mine got worse.
I find myself doing “pain checks” in my head silently.
- Hands? pain? yes. Left worse than right tonight.
- Arms? pain? not really. Pretty good tonight.
- Shoulders? pain? yes. Achey. Pop when used.
- Back? upper and lower both having issues.
- Hips? nope – phew… surprising when the shoulders are bad
- Legs? nope, not really…
- Knees? mild or stabby – would be worse if the pressure were changing or I were standing Right worst than left tonight.
- Ankles? nope, popping but no pain
- Feet? cold as always… but no real pain comparatively
- Oops – Head? yeah, left jaw under ear – sinuses – miraculously no headache at the moment. huh.
This kind of “systems check” happens several times a day. Only *once* in the past year was the answer to all of the checks “no, no pain” – was very strange. For a brief couple of hours, I wondered if maybe it was gone. Silly me.
I have no immune system to speak of any more. If it’s around? I get it. If I get it? I get it as long as and unpleasantly as possible.
Travel? Wipes me out like I were a 98 year old woman. I try to hide it. I live on pills and 5 Hour Energys and then pay for it afterwards when it’s safe. A full day down, sometimes 2.
In some effort to “fix” my pH imbalance I gave up red meat, soda, and coffee at the beginning of the year. I’ve been trying to eat healthier in general too. Haven’t broken the red meat/soda/coffee prohibition even once. Want to. Desperately want to. Want coffee fiercely. Can feel the difference in my body and wish I had strength to go entirely veg. I don’t. Chicken & fish have saved my sanity. Green Tea is my lifeline.
I want to be “normal” again. I want to wake up, not catalog which parts do or don’t hurt. Eat normal food. Have energy, no pain, be able to work out and lose weight and be healthy without having to take a handful of pills every day.
But right now? I’ll just be content if this frakking cold would go away.
Oh, and sleep, I could use some sleep.
